The State of US
I saw something in the paper last week that's been stuck in my head like an ear worm since I read it. Our local paper has a column in it called "Sound Off". You can call a number at the paper and leave a comment on their voice mail (actually I think it's an answering machine - remember those?) and they will print whatever message you leave in the paper. Some of the comments are funny, some worthwhile, some stupid, and some just plain scary. Here's the one that's been stuck in my head. I'm going to quote it so if I'm reading it wrong, point it out to me. Here it is:
"I think the government should do something about all the fire ants in North Carolina, there are way too many of them."
Read that a couple times. Why does this bug me so much (pun not intended)? We have created a segment of our society populated by folks who can do little or nothing for themselves. This drizzlewit wants the government to come kill his bugs. WTF!? How did we get this lame? An even more interesting question - how did we get anyone to believe the government could or should kill bugs? Think about it. Name me one, just one program that our government has managed efficiently. One. The VA? Sorry, no. The military? Please - the Pentagon is a monument to Murphy's Law. The IRS? (Just kidding guys haha!) No, at some point, every government agency seems to become a snake swallowing it's own tail.
So caller, what would the bug program look like? First, of course, the president would have to nominate a Bug Czar. Fox & CNN would report on his suitability for the position, and their diametrically opposed spin would make us wonder if they're talking about the same person. The Parliament of Whores, oops I mean congress, would debate the candidates suitability for the position, forming a committee to study it. They would eventually approve the candidate, however there would be a rider attached to his approval which allocated funds to finance the construction of a working artificial hemorrhoid in the committee chairman's home district. The Bug Czar will be paid a quarter million dollars a year, plus "expenses". Office space will be rented, staff will be hired. GS-9 positions will be created for Fire Ant Technicians (FATs). Forms will be printed, instantly obsolete computers installed. A website will be created to inform consumers of all the good work the Fire Ant Control Agency (FACA) is doing. Hooray - we're at the point where you can fill out some forms to request that your fire ants be exterminated. There will even be an electronic version that FACA will be able to lose almost instantly. Your request will be forwarded to the Regional Office for Fire Ant Control and Extermination (ROFACE) which will evaluate your request and send an entomologist to you house to determine if you truly have a fire ant problem. If it's determined that you do, a request will be sent to the EPA requesting an environmental impact study for the location. It may be determined that destroying your fire ants is environmentally unsound, which will activate one of the Fire Ant Relocation Teams (FARTs). If it's deemed safe to euthanize (we can't KILL the poor things) your fire ants, then, providing you have the appropriate permits from the Army Corps of Engineers, your benevolent government will send someone to your house to pour a can of Raid on the anthill. Unfortunately by now the fire ants have already eaten the dog you had chained in your yard and left it's bones to bleach in the sun. All this at a cost of only about $47,000 per ant.
Or, instead of investing in your future today by buying another lottery ticket, you could go to Lowes.
"I think the government should do something about all the fire ants in North Carolina, there are way too many of them."
Read that a couple times. Why does this bug me so much (pun not intended)? We have created a segment of our society populated by folks who can do little or nothing for themselves. This drizzlewit wants the government to come kill his bugs. WTF!? How did we get this lame? An even more interesting question - how did we get anyone to believe the government could or should kill bugs? Think about it. Name me one, just one program that our government has managed efficiently. One. The VA? Sorry, no. The military? Please - the Pentagon is a monument to Murphy's Law. The IRS? (Just kidding guys haha!) No, at some point, every government agency seems to become a snake swallowing it's own tail.
So caller, what would the bug program look like? First, of course, the president would have to nominate a Bug Czar. Fox & CNN would report on his suitability for the position, and their diametrically opposed spin would make us wonder if they're talking about the same person. The Parliament of Whores, oops I mean congress, would debate the candidates suitability for the position, forming a committee to study it. They would eventually approve the candidate, however there would be a rider attached to his approval which allocated funds to finance the construction of a working artificial hemorrhoid in the committee chairman's home district. The Bug Czar will be paid a quarter million dollars a year, plus "expenses". Office space will be rented, staff will be hired. GS-9 positions will be created for Fire Ant Technicians (FATs). Forms will be printed, instantly obsolete computers installed. A website will be created to inform consumers of all the good work the Fire Ant Control Agency (FACA) is doing. Hooray - we're at the point where you can fill out some forms to request that your fire ants be exterminated. There will even be an electronic version that FACA will be able to lose almost instantly. Your request will be forwarded to the Regional Office for Fire Ant Control and Extermination (ROFACE) which will evaluate your request and send an entomologist to you house to determine if you truly have a fire ant problem. If it's determined that you do, a request will be sent to the EPA requesting an environmental impact study for the location. It may be determined that destroying your fire ants is environmentally unsound, which will activate one of the Fire Ant Relocation Teams (FARTs). If it's deemed safe to euthanize (we can't KILL the poor things) your fire ants, then, providing you have the appropriate permits from the Army Corps of Engineers, your benevolent government will send someone to your house to pour a can of Raid on the anthill. Unfortunately by now the fire ants have already eaten the dog you had chained in your yard and left it's bones to bleach in the sun. All this at a cost of only about $47,000 per ant.
Or, instead of investing in your future today by buying another lottery ticket, you could go to Lowes.
This would be funny as hell if it weren't so accurate.
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Dude - I wonder about you sometimes.
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Completely agree with Frank! (I was going to make the same comment)
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Thanks for the article.
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A very good article.
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Get a better browser. Try Firefox.
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